Grace Based Parenting, a book review.

Before we left for Wisconsin, I came across a parenting book that intrigued me, Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel. I was so happy to find our library had a copy and was able to take it with me so I had some reading material on vacation.

Wow.

Can I just say this is the most compelling parenting book I ever read. Ever.

It's one those books you just dive right into and any person that crosses your path while you are reading it will probably be read a paragraph or two. They do look at you like you've lost it, but inside you know you've finally found it!

It's not a book that contains precise formulas and methods for raising your kids. It doesn't give you a check list of do's and don'ts. It doesn't instantly transform you into the world's best parent. What it does do is open your eyes to God's infinite love for each of us, for His amazing grace that He continually pours out on us and His everlasting mercy that not one of us deserves.

And yet, it is there for you and for me, totally free of charge. And, it is there for us to shower upon our children so they too can know Him. Dr. Kimmel reasons that Christianity in our culture today is so often simply a checklist of being good or bad (I imagined santa's naughty or nice list) that kids grow up and don't have any real or meaningful relationship with their Maker. They only know, "If I do this, it's bad. If I do this, it's good."

He begins the book describing many styles of parenting and points out that most are fear-based. That one hit me lie a brick as I know a lot of my parenting tends to lean that direction. He also listed three driving inner needs that children are born with:

1. A need for security
2. A need for significance
3. A need for strength

These three needs are in turn met by love, purpose and hope.

"If we've done our job adequately, our children should leave our homes with a love that is secure, a purpose that is significant, and a hope that is strong." (p.25)

Here are a few of my other favorite passages:

"The proof that any model of parenting is effective is not how the parents and children get along. It isn't even how well they treat and respect each other after they are all grown up. Even nonreligious families can accomplish this. The real test of a parenting model is how well equipped the children are to move into adulthood as vital members of the human race. Notice I didn't say "as vital members of the Christian community." We need to have kids that can be sent off to the most hostile universities, toil in the greediest work environments, and raise their families in the most hedonistic communities and yet not be the least bit intimidated by their surroundings. Furthermore, they need to be engaged in the lives of people in their culture, gracefully representing Christ's love inside these desperate surroundings." (P.9)

"You may not want to hear this, but raising safe Christian kids is a spiritual disaster in the making. Your effort will produce shallow faith and wimpy believers. Kids raised in an environment that stresses safety are on track to be evangelical pushovers. They will tend to end up either overly critical of the world system to the point where they won't want anything to do with people in the world system-an idea that comes directly from Satan's playbook. Or, they will become naive about the world system, which ultimately makes them putty in Satan's hands. He chews up these kinds of people like they are spiritual McNuggets and swallows them whole. When they're finally confronted with the full thrust of the world system as young adults, few know how to turn it into an opportunity for spiritual impact. (p.113)

"Raising children in evangelical hideaways and creating a spiritual Disneyland works directly against the development of an empowered relationship with Christ. If anything, safe Christianity isn't about a relationship with Jesus Christ; it's about a relationship with a Western, middle-class caricature of Jesus Christ. It's an option that the majority of Christian parents around the world (especially the Third World) wouldn't consider for their children because it isn't even a remote possibility. Raising safe Christian kids is as much a product of middle to upper-class wealth as it is anything else. Putting it bluntly, the reason parents choose to raise their children in highly protected spiritual enclaves is because they can afford to." (p.117)

And I could go on and on. Buy the book, whether you have children or not, you will be amazed and what you get out of it. Check out Dr. Kimmel's website here.

Who does number two work for??

Well, we are attempting potty training again. Yesterday morning I told Ryder I didn't have any more diapers for him and he was going to wear his Lightning McQueen underwear. After an initial resistance and some begging for a diaper, he actually went on the potty.
He managed to remain dry for the ENTIRE day with the exception of numero dos. Seems he has a fear of using the potty for the big job. He held it in all day until we put a pull-up on him at nap time. Poor guy, the last thing I want to cause is a "back-up", but I can't go and throw the whole thing out. We'll work on number two, you can bet on it.

Last night after I tucked him in to bed he proceeded to get up about five times with the "I have to go potty" excuse. I had forgotten this dreaded stage in the game. Having to go to the potty is the best excuse invented to delay the bedtime ritual. "Can you put the potty in the family room so I can watch American Idol?" Here we go.

Today he has done pretty well, with the exception of one accident. Apparently I left him alone playing in the basement too long, away from my constant asking "are you staying dry, buddy?". He is napping now, so we'll see if we can pick it up again.

Potty Training

We are attempting with this guy today, need I say more...........

Shhhhhh....

If you have children, I wonder, do you find yourself saying "shhhh" all day?? "The baby is sleeping, shhh", "I'm on the phone, shhhh"; "I'm right in the middle of something very important, shhhh"; "can you guys be quiet for a second, shhhh". These are all part of my vocabulary and I use them often. Maybe too often.

Lately, I've been wondering what I'm "shushing". Could it be some creative, thought provoking idea from Ashlynn (she amazes me often!)? A cute story and laugh from Ryder? Why am I always shushing them; am I letting household chores and "grown-up" obligations rob me of precious moments with my kids?

I have determined to designate Thursday to be a shush free day in my house. It's not that I want my kids to run the place, I certainly am not going to throw obedience, responsibility and discipline out the window here. But, I want to hear more of what my kids have to say and think. Their words may very well be foolish and childish, what a great learning opportunity then! I figure if I'm always too busy to listen to them, I'll always be too busy to teach to them. And isn't that part of what God has called me to do as a mother?

I'll let you know how it goes....

Good Day

Randy was home today and watched the kids this morning while I slept in-yeah!!!! I stayed in bed until 9:30, but felt like I could have slept until noon. It was just a nice lazy morning; I made french toast and omelets (with spinach & cheese-yum!). Randy played with the kids while I washed and dried my hair all in one sitting, without one kid busting into to the bathroom for some "emergency". Then I fed the kids lunch, nursed Gage, put them all down for a nap and ran to Wild Oats and Costco.

It's funny, taking the kids with me is a lot of work, but when they're not with me I feel like something's missing. I suppose they are part of my identity and I find myself mentioning them whenever I get the chance. I'm sure the cashier could care less who the apples are for, or that Ashlynn 'just loves oranges'. Or when the lady's kid in front of me does something embarrassing, I immediately reassure her I have three at home-so it's no big deal. Why do I do this? Why don't I relish in being alone, even pretend for a moment I'm a young kid-free women?
Partly, I know, I'm proud to be a mom and I love my kids. But deep inside I want people to look at me, look at what I can do-I can handle three kids all by myself-yes, they are all mine and yes, I have my hands full-but I can do it, I can make it work. This thinking probably plagues many stay-at-home moms. We love our kids, love being their mom; but it's our job too. We want recognition that we "meet expectations" or, by golly, that we "exceed expectations". So, going to the store, is not just "going to the store" for me. It's an appraisal for who I am as a mom and how good of a job I am doing (or not doing).

Is that really where I should be looking for my worth? Of course not, although it is very easy to do. There is only one source for me to draw from and that is Jesus. He alone is the measure of my worth, and considering He laid down His life for mine, I suppose I must be worthy. I also know, that I am only worthy because of Him. He provided the grace to overlook my immeasurable imperfections and shortcomings. He needs to be who I seek in every aspect of mothering.
This is not a task that comes naturally to me, I don't always listen and I don't always make time for Him, but I want to, I strive to, and I know He knows that. Thank you, Lord, for Your grace.

Multiple Mommy Disorder

Ever feel like your personality is constantly changing? You can wake up in one mood and go through five different moods by 9:30am. To blame the kids would probably be a cop-out, though I don't remember having this "disorder" before they were born. However, I never had another person(s) with me for the entire day; especially one that could point out my moods. Case in point, I admittedly have not been playing with the kids much this week-you know, laundry, house cleaning, cooking, running errands, etc.-and finally took some time a couple of days ago to play in their make believe world. After a time of them directing the play, Ashlynn held my face in her hands and so sweetly said: "I like this mommy, your a happy and fun mommy", as apposed to 'too busy mommy' or 'in just a minute mommy' that I had been all week.
When I mentioned the above to Randy, he just laughed. He is well aware of my 'multiple mommy disorder' as I apparently have 'multiple wife disorder' (to be discussed at a future date).
So what's the solution? Letting go and letting go some more. Stop stressing if the house isn't perfect or dinner is a little late. Get to bed earlier!!!! Learn to make every moment count-live life-don't just float through. And in those cherished moments with the kids, thank God for every second we are blessed to have them in our lives.
I will try, but know I will fail at times. It's in that failure that I hold on to the promise of grace and peace that is always available to me.....if I just ASK.

kleenex, please!

The boys are both sick this week. You know it's bad when your two year old asks you to wipe his nose-"I got snot mama, wipe my snot"! Gage has been up every night for a week now, the poor little guy just can't breathe. I know some people would probably just let their kids cry it out, but I know how comforting snuggling is when you're sick. Gage actually seems to be able to breathe better if I nurse him, and they are only that little once!
Ashlynn has escaped it, again. That girl must have an amazing immune system (breastfeeding for 1+ years, did help with that, though). She did however take a nap a couple of times this week, which was wonderful for me. All three of the kids sleeping at once two days in a row...I actually pinched myself.
Even sick they're still great kids and I even got teary-eyed last night thinking about how fast time is going by already and wondering if I am doing a good enough job at being a mom. I am reading a great book right now (Being a great Mom Rasing great Kids, by Sharon Jaynes) and she talks about building Godly self-esteem in your children that is not related to appearance or performance. It's about loving your kids unconditionally, no matter what. Knowing that they are just children with childish ways that is silly and irritating at times-but loving them anyway-no expectations or limitations.
So I guess I need the kleenex too!