The perpetual smile.

That's Ryder, the boy with the constant smile.  I love it.  He can make me smile....even when I don't feel like it.  It's so bright, so inviting, so cheerful, so blissful.  How can it not make your day?

My silly little girl.

The kids were playing out back the other day and Addie decided to ham it up for the camera. How do you like her "throwback" pink jammies and snow boots?

Such a bundle of energy......maybe I could borrow some......

A moment.

Yesterday at church, before we took communion, our Pastor encouraged us to jot down five things we were thankful for.  Quickly, I rifled through my purse to snag a pen and began writing.  When you live in a free country with the abundance we have, there are always more than five items to list, but we only had a few moments and the suggestion of five was a realistic goal. One thought that came to mind was "moments".  In life, all through the day, the hours, the minutes, the seconds, there are those times when we want to freeze everything and let it be etch into our memory.  It may be the smallest detail or the biggest deal ever, but we grab it and try to seal it in.  That's why I love my camera.  Ofcourse, not every moment can be captured in a photograph, a giggle, a mispronounced word, someone saying "I love you", those are cherished in the heart and mind.  But for many, I grab my camera, aim and hope it will help me remember "the moment":

It's not much really, but when I woke up the other morning, came downstairs and looked out my front door (something I do every single morning!) I couldn't help but be captivated by the way the light was shining through the trees.  It just caught my attention, it was just a moment.

On my heart.

"My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt His name together.
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles."

Psalm 34:4-6 NIV(emphasis mine)

We serve an amazing God. Not just some "pie in the sky" god, the GOD. The God who created the universe and created us in His image. The same God who sent his Son to die for every single one of us on the cross.

Listening to Hillsong United (Aftermath) last night this song caught my attention, it's title is "Take Heart". Here are a few of the lyrics:

So take heart. Let His love lead us through the night. Hold on to hope. And take courage again.
....He wears the scars of our freedom. In His name. All our fears are swept away. He never fails. All our troubles. And all our tears. God our hope. He has overcome. All our failure. And all our fear. God our love. He has overcome. All our heartache. And all our pain. God our Healer. He has overcome. All our burdens. All our shame. God our freedom.
He has overcome.

(These are only a portion of the lyrics, if you get a chance pick up the cd or download it off itunes, you will not be disappointed.)

Jesus is all of these things and more. But most of all, He wants a relationship with you. Not just to give you a list of rules and regulations, but to love you. Yes, it requires a change in your heart and it will require you to lay down your "rights" and desires. But His are so much better, so much more fulfilling, so perfectly made for you. Get to know Him.

"But offer yourselves to the ways of God and the freedom never quits. All your lives you've let sin tell you what to do. But thank God you've started listening to a new master, one whose commands set you free to live openly in His freedom!"

Romans 6:17-18(The Message)

The trail.

With Randy still on the mend from his torn muscle, my schedule has become a bit discombobulated. The cold, cloudy, snowy weather has taken my motivation level to an all time low. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my cousin a couple of months ago when we were discussing her job. See, she works for the parks and recreation in her state and spends her days maintaining, building and clearing the public trails. It's beautiful for her to see God's awesome handiwork and fulfilling to make these trails as close to nature as possible.

But.....

It's back-breaking work. Each day, with a heavy load of tools (nothing can be motorized) they journey to their destination. They labor all day and just when they feel worn out and ready to collapse, thy must hike uphill back out of the trails. "I love my job, I don't want to complain, but some days that hike really gets you", she told me.

As I listened to her I had one of those light bulb moments. " That's it!", I thought. "That's motherhood and life. You love it so much, but all day you labor and when you think the day is almost done, there stands the big hill. You have to muster all of your strength and climb back up....knowing you will be starting over the next day."

Just like my cousin, I have the tools I need to help me in my work. Each day I can choose what I will use and how much time I will dedicate to these "tools". Mine, also, are not motorized, they take elbow grease and diligence. How easy it is to skip getting up early to read the Bible or take the time to pray over my day and my family.

Sometimes it seems there is no progress, the trail is so long, you don't see an end to it. But then, you turn around and look back to see beauty, to see a way was made. Rough and narrow it might be, God is guiding each step and leading you to the next path that must be cleared.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:2-4

How are your trails coming?

Freezing cold, birthdays, sunshine.

We finally broke our subzero temps and spiked to 32 degrees with sunshine! I was out running errands and was actually getting stuffy with my scarf, gloves and heavy jacket on.

Frightening, isn't it? Feeling downright balmy at just above freezing? Last time I checked, my postal abbreviation was not AK. Which could be why I spent last Friday drooling over Tucson real estate. I even looked up the fire department....just for kicks. Randy quietly chuckled when I assured him he could hunt elk in neighboring New Mexico and mule deer in northern Arizona. Who needs these monster Kansas whitetails (scary I know this sort of lingo), they have probably all frozen or migrated south anyway.

Thankfully, he knows me better and can still chuckle.

In warmer, sunnier, cozier, brighter news....today is mom's birthday! This fall I took a knitting class and she was wanting scarves, so I knit one up for her.

It's 80 degrees today in San Diego. I'm still trying to figure out her want of scarves....

Apparently, she will need to visit me to actually put it to use.


Happy Birthday, mom! Please come and visit....you have a scarf now :-).

A few things.

Some things I want to remember that are happening around here:

• Ryder playing around the house singing the theme song for Scooby-Doo at the top of his lungs.
• Ashlynn singing what she refers to as her "rockin' music" as she plays Polly Pockets or while drawing in her sketch book.
• Gage thanking me all the time for simple little things like, "You puttin' the dishes 'way momma? Thanks for that, thanks for that momma!"
  
• Addie learning to walk. She is slowly moving into the more walking than crawling stage, it will be missed....
  

We have started school and things are getting busy......which I suppose is no different than the usual! Ryder and Gage were both in need of haircuts, I'll put some pictures up tomorrow, have a fun day!!

Staying positive.

Most of you know I love summer. Let the heat roll in and put me near a body of water. It can be a pool, lake, ocean, kiddie pool, whatever and I'm a happy camper. Yesterday as I was driving down the road I noticed the slightest changes beginning to come over the leaves on the trees. The deep green of summer is starting to take on a bit of yellow and my eyes almost welled up with sadness knowing fall (which really translates to winter) is just around the corner. Ok, maybe I didn't get that sappy, but I am already missing the pool.

In an effort to keep a good attitude, I have complied a list of things that I will not miss about summer that could potentially make winter seem more positive. I'm trying.

• No more pulling weeds. One thing I have learned to appreciate in the Midwest is those pesky guys take a break in the winter (that or the snow just covers them up!).
  
• No mosquitoes!!! Honestly, I don't know how they survived before I lived here. My blood seems to be there sole source of sustenance and their presence is the contributing factor to my delay in weeding.
• Not quite as much shaving. Jeans and long sleeve shirts hide quite a bit.
• I can actually wear my hair straight without a battle. My natural frizz is completely infatuated humidity.
• Gage won't ask "What's that loud noise?" every night as the cicadas sing.
• No more lathering the kids up with sunscreen everyday. Wait a minute, strike that one, this would mean we were going to the pool....and for that, I love sunscreen.
• No more major toenail polish touch-ups.
• No more Homemade Ice Cream from the best place in town.....they are only open seasonally. Sad, but really good for my checking account and waistline.
• Speaking of waistline, how about a break from the exercise routine? Everyone needs some spring goals....

There you have, that's about as positive as I can get as I bid farewell to my favorite time of the year. Goodbye summer, see you in ten months!

No really, they don't need toys.

To be honest, if it were up to me, the kids would get very little for Christmas and it would all be second hand. I view new toys like new cars, the minute you open the package they depreciate. It sounds mean to some of you but let me make my case.

Tonight, due to some "behavior issues" they lost their privilege to play with toys in the bath. Instead they had to just sit there with nothing but the two rags I had put in the water to wash them up with.

You know what they did?

As I sat there nursing Adysen, I watched and listened as they turned those two little rags into pieces of seaweed that were floating in the ocean. Then they became dolphins and sharks and fishies and butterflies and crocodiles. After the "ocean scene" they turned it into a "snow scene" and they had an imaginary snowball fight giggling all the while.

Instead, the gift my kids need this year is more of my time. Not the time I spend cooking and cleaning and teaching and disciplining, I'm fresh out of that kind. Just laughing with them, imagining with them and asking them what they would like to do for the day. I'm pretty good and steering away from materialism and often take pride in it, but I can't say I've been as diligent in really engaging my kids and quietly listening to them lately.

That's all they really want and need for Christmas.

Something to think about.

Last night I was reading a book to Ashlynn that Aunt Betty gave to her several years ago titled "God's Wisdom for Little Girls". It is a sweet book that breaks down Proverbs 31 and applies it to her life.

Can I say, it really hit home for me too.

Page 5 read:

Being good to others is so hard to do!
But this is exactly what God asks of you.
So do what you can to be kind to others,
And that includes your sisters and brothers!

"Her husband trusts her completely.
With her, he has everything he needs.
She does him good and not harm
for as long as she lives.

Proverbs 31:11,12 (The International Children's Bible, New Century Version)

(Here's the NIV Version also:

"Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value,
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."

Proverbs 31:11,12)

How often, I wonder, am I good to others? Is it for my personal gain or from my heart with the love of Christ and His commands? Also, am I truly a wife that is bringing only good and not harm into our family life?

Thankfully, I know Randy trusts me completely, but I want to strive to do more. To give up what I want and think of others first (especially Randy). To bring joy, peace and love to my household (not the goofy "la la land type" of stuff), but true goodness from following God's Word.

To lack nothing of value in Christ, yes, that's what I want.

More snow and attitude.

That pretty much sums up my day. It's still freezing here and more snow is on the way. I'm trying really hard not to have a bad attitude about the cold, but it is definitely getting to me.

My patience is shorter, my smiles less frequent, my skin is cracking on my hands and feet, my kids have cabin fever like I've never seen, my gas bill......oh, stop me now.

Then, Randy came to me last night after talking to his dad on the phone. One of his cousins up north has been battling brain cancer and has now been confined to a wheelchair, they're not giving him much time. He has a wife and three young children. Two of Randy's aunts are also battling cancer with not much hope either.

Hits like a gut shot. I'm complaining about what? Yes, the cold stinks, stinks, stinks. But.....I'm not visiting Randy in a hospital, weak and broken, knowing I may lose him any moment. He's not wondering if the mastectomy will rid me of cancer. Or hoping the hysterectomy gets all of those nasty, body ravaging, mutations of cancer.

And, if I'm honest, I didn't have the best attitude when I looked out the window to more white today. It's really that imperative choice of spending time with Jesus, everyday. To be in contact with Him in prayer all throughout the day, asking Him for the strength to let go of what I can't control and live with the fullness and joy I should be.

How different my day might be.

Feeling sorry for myself?

Yesterday I sat in church listening to a great message while being completely distracted with my queasy stomach. Then it struck me, where is the excitement? With the first pregnancy, everything is exciting. I remember being so grateful for being sick all the time. To me, it was God's way of reassuring all of my fears about the health of the pregnancy. When you lose a baby, there is always a lingering fear it will happen again, so when I was sick and the doctor told me it was a "good thing", I rejoiced. Now, I just complain internally. Ok, Lord, it's the fourth, could I get a break here? Funny thing is, I am confident He knows me better than I do, and in my crazy hypochondria if I wasn't feeling sick, I would assume something was wrong. I know, it doesn't make sense.

Back to the excitement. As I was thinking in church, I want that joy and overflowing happiness knowing there will be another unique, amazing, God-created life in our family. To be amazed and thrilled by such a precious gift, gifts we thought we may never have. The all day "morning" sickness will have lasted a mili-second when it's all said and done. So for now, I want to do more than grin and bear it, I want to be grateful.

ants, accountibility and dishes...

They're back. The ants. In full force. I hate them, but I use them.

This is our second spring in this house and our second invasion of those little black creatures that scurry across the countertops in my kitchen. Last year we used poison and this year I'm trying to go without. It's not that I have anything against chemical killing agents, I'm just trying to avoid them with all the kids in the house. So my strategy is to keep the kitchen really clean.
At the first sign of the ants I completely cleaned off every countertop and appliance (small and large). This made them disappear, for a while. Then the scouts came back, one here, two there. I'd squish each one and rinse them down the drain to make sure they were gone for good. I figured when the scouts didn't show back up at the nest, surely they'd deem my kitchen to be a "danger zone" and give up. Not that easy.

So here's where I'm at. If I so much as leave one little dish in the sink, they're on it like flies. But, if I keep my kitchen spotless (ajaxing the sink after every cooking expedition-which is like twenty times a day around here!!), I only see random stragglers. This brings me to acceptance. Acceptance of the ants for the sole reason of keeping my kitchen clean. Crazy, I know, but it works. The ants keep me accountable.

I imagine them gathered around in their nest: "That lady, she has a real problem with crumbs and unloading the dishwasher in the morning. Why don't we send in a few of the troops and see if we can't get her to clean up the place."

Ok, so maybe they don't personally hold me accountable, it's just their presence. And trust me, I've not found some new love for these things. No "I love ants" bumper stickers, I'm just using them to help me out a little.

Must run now, I cant' remember if I ajaxed after breakfast...

Shhhhhh....

If you have children, I wonder, do you find yourself saying "shhhh" all day?? "The baby is sleeping, shhh", "I'm on the phone, shhhh"; "I'm right in the middle of something very important, shhhh"; "can you guys be quiet for a second, shhhh". These are all part of my vocabulary and I use them often. Maybe too often.

Lately, I've been wondering what I'm "shushing". Could it be some creative, thought provoking idea from Ashlynn (she amazes me often!)? A cute story and laugh from Ryder? Why am I always shushing them; am I letting household chores and "grown-up" obligations rob me of precious moments with my kids?

I have determined to designate Thursday to be a shush free day in my house. It's not that I want my kids to run the place, I certainly am not going to throw obedience, responsibility and discipline out the window here. But, I want to hear more of what my kids have to say and think. Their words may very well be foolish and childish, what a great learning opportunity then! I figure if I'm always too busy to listen to them, I'll always be too busy to teach to them. And isn't that part of what God has called me to do as a mother?

I'll let you know how it goes....

Good Day

Randy was home today and watched the kids this morning while I slept in-yeah!!!! I stayed in bed until 9:30, but felt like I could have slept until noon. It was just a nice lazy morning; I made french toast and omelets (with spinach & cheese-yum!). Randy played with the kids while I washed and dried my hair all in one sitting, without one kid busting into to the bathroom for some "emergency". Then I fed the kids lunch, nursed Gage, put them all down for a nap and ran to Wild Oats and Costco.

It's funny, taking the kids with me is a lot of work, but when they're not with me I feel like something's missing. I suppose they are part of my identity and I find myself mentioning them whenever I get the chance. I'm sure the cashier could care less who the apples are for, or that Ashlynn 'just loves oranges'. Or when the lady's kid in front of me does something embarrassing, I immediately reassure her I have three at home-so it's no big deal. Why do I do this? Why don't I relish in being alone, even pretend for a moment I'm a young kid-free women?
Partly, I know, I'm proud to be a mom and I love my kids. But deep inside I want people to look at me, look at what I can do-I can handle three kids all by myself-yes, they are all mine and yes, I have my hands full-but I can do it, I can make it work. This thinking probably plagues many stay-at-home moms. We love our kids, love being their mom; but it's our job too. We want recognition that we "meet expectations" or, by golly, that we "exceed expectations". So, going to the store, is not just "going to the store" for me. It's an appraisal for who I am as a mom and how good of a job I am doing (or not doing).

Is that really where I should be looking for my worth? Of course not, although it is very easy to do. There is only one source for me to draw from and that is Jesus. He alone is the measure of my worth, and considering He laid down His life for mine, I suppose I must be worthy. I also know, that I am only worthy because of Him. He provided the grace to overlook my immeasurable imperfections and shortcomings. He needs to be who I seek in every aspect of mothering.
This is not a task that comes naturally to me, I don't always listen and I don't always make time for Him, but I want to, I strive to, and I know He knows that. Thank you, Lord, for Your grace.

Multiple Mommy Disorder

Ever feel like your personality is constantly changing? You can wake up in one mood and go through five different moods by 9:30am. To blame the kids would probably be a cop-out, though I don't remember having this "disorder" before they were born. However, I never had another person(s) with me for the entire day; especially one that could point out my moods. Case in point, I admittedly have not been playing with the kids much this week-you know, laundry, house cleaning, cooking, running errands, etc.-and finally took some time a couple of days ago to play in their make believe world. After a time of them directing the play, Ashlynn held my face in her hands and so sweetly said: "I like this mommy, your a happy and fun mommy", as apposed to 'too busy mommy' or 'in just a minute mommy' that I had been all week.
When I mentioned the above to Randy, he just laughed. He is well aware of my 'multiple mommy disorder' as I apparently have 'multiple wife disorder' (to be discussed at a future date).
So what's the solution? Letting go and letting go some more. Stop stressing if the house isn't perfect or dinner is a little late. Get to bed earlier!!!! Learn to make every moment count-live life-don't just float through. And in those cherished moments with the kids, thank God for every second we are blessed to have them in our lives.
I will try, but know I will fail at times. It's in that failure that I hold on to the promise of grace and peace that is always available to me.....if I just ASK.